Nom Internets

(Warning: sex rant ahead.)

Can we please stop talking about “finding” the clitoris?

Can we please stop talking about “finding” the prostate?

Can we please stop talking about “finding” the “G-spot”?

It’s like a scavenger hunt for your body!

Sounds fun, but I think it’s probably a pretty common source of disappointment, frustration, and misunderstanding your partner’s body.

I mean, first, let’s deal with the external body part that gets bogged down by this “finding” terminology: the clitoral gland.

You can see it with your eyes, people. Even if you have one of those extremely teeny clits that doesn’t poke out of the hood even when it’s erect, the clitoral hood is right there and we all know what’s under it. Heck, if you are a blind person, this is a clearly palpable structure, distinct from the rest of the vulva.

You know where it is. And if you don’t—if you honest to God do not know which part of the vulva is the clitoral gland, and you are having sex with a(nother) female-bodied person—then you need to back your fun bus the fuck up and learn the raw basics of your partner’s anatomy before you start messing with it. Do it with your partner, even. Have her guide you and show you, with the lights on. If neither of you know what’s up, hop on wikipedia and get sexy.

So why do we talk about “finding” the clitoris, when what we really mean is werkin’ it?

…Probably because a lot of people, women definitely included, don’t know how to work it. There is a mythos that the clitoris is a sort of “magic button”, and that if you press it, pleasure is guaranteed. If you think that, then I could easily imagine you poking around down there for a while without “finding” any such thing, because you’re looking for something that doesn’t exist.

Poke poke. “D’you feel the magic yet?”

Not all women (or female-bodied people) enjoy clitoral stimulation, but for those who do, this largely circles back to that age-old issue of female arousal. There is absolutely no touch in this world that does not have as much potential for discomfort as for pleasure, depending on the context of its delivery and the mood of the recipient. Ever had a surprise shoulder rub when you weren’t in the mood for one? Compare that to the exact same touch delivered in a setting where you are aching and begging for a massage.

Because we live in a male-dominated world, where male sex response governs society’s very definition of “sex”, female arousal is so often dismissed, ignored, or misunderstood.

It’s dismissed as not being “necessary” for “the sex act.” (Google the word “porn.”)

It’s ignored as- well, not existing at all. What do you mean women get erections? :O

Or, it’s misunderstood—either as being too analogous to male arousal, or not analogous enough, I’m still not sure. But, when a lot of people think “arousal”, they automatically think “penile erection”, and because the female erection is not visually analogous to the male one, many people ignore the physiology of female arousal and chalk it up to the “unknowable.” (You’d wonder how people miss this, given that female arousal is quite visual, olfactory, and tactile—but they do.)

As you well know, female-bodied people are far from exempt from these mentalities. Left in the dark about their own bodies, many women can’t tell the difference between intellectually desiring sex (“I want to have sex right now”) and physically desiring it (“If I don’t rub up against something right this second, I am going to fall over and drown in a vat of my own liquid hormones”). I’m not trying to pitch one state above the other (some sexually active people prefer to keep it above the neck), but there is a distinction, and it’s one that’s important to be self-aware of.

This is where the clitoris comes in. The clitoral gland has a higher concentration of nerve endings than any part of the human body—male, female, or other variety. Seriously. In the entirety of the human race, all sexes included, there is no part of the human body that is as wired up as this little gland.

So all this stuff I’m saying about how the experience of a touch depends on the recipient’s mood/feelings/circumstances? You’d better believe that’s damn important when fiddling with the homo sapiens panic button.

If you’re trying to work the female clitoris in a sexual context, then physical arousal is so important. In terms of what is physiologically optimal, the clitoris needs blood (read: an erection) and a parasympathetic nervous state (read: relaxation) to get cozy in. Mix this with a good headspace (which is most often a prerequisite anyway), and this electric little organ may be nice enough to show you its “magic”.

Bottom line: what do you get if you live in a society where women are so often having sex where they are not physically aroused, not relaxed, and not in a good headspace? A society that simultaneously perpetuates the myth that the clitoral gland is a magic button that will always work, despite all these circumstances?

A magically disappearing clitoris!

Where did it go? I can’t find it!

No, my friend: you can’t work it.

Don’t pretend it ain’t there when you’re not using it for sexy-times.

All this logic about one’s personal state influencing the experience of touch also applies to the so-called “G-spot” (which is really just stimulation of the internal portion of the clitoral structure), and to the “P-spot” (the male prostate).

Of course, these body bits distinguish themselves in that they’re part of the internal structure of the body, and you pretty much have to shove your tool of choice up in somebody to get at them. (Not strictly true in all circumstances, but let’s say.)

These are structures that you have to find by feel.

The thing is, though, that you have to find them by your partner’s feel.

There are some vaguely palpable roadmarks, of course—more-so with the prostate, IMO—but for the most part, you know you’ve found what you’re looking for when your partner moans, “Oh, yes, right there!”

This is another one of those cases where, in a textbook sense, we all know where to put our fingers. (And again, if you don’t—off to wikipedia with you!) The thing is, if you’re expecting a sexy result when shoving your finger up people’s snatches and bums, logic might tell you that the sexy needs to lead up to this stimulation, and not the other way around. Think of the other reactions that often crop up during these activities:

“Hold up, I have to use the bathroom.”

“I don’t feel it.”

“That’s just uncomfortable pressure.”

“WOAH hey yeah you’re touching it but- woah no.”

“OW!”

In female-bodied people, it’s often impossible to “find” (read: for the recipient to feel) the internal clitoral structure if the area’s not engorged with blood—that is, physically arousal. Even if it’s detectable when not aroused, it may just feel like pressure or raw nerve contact.

In male-bodied people, it’s often uncomfortable or even jarring to receive prostate stimulation if the mind is not in a sexy place and the body is not a parasympathetic state. (Think prostate exams. Cold, icky, impersonal prostate exams. [The kind you get at the doctor’s office, not the kind your partner gives you while wearing a latex nurse’s uniform. The lack of mutual consent to fetishize should hopefully make the former pretty unsexy.])

In both cases, the structures in question are easier to “find” palpably and easier to “find” by sensation if the person receiving the stimulation is physically aroused. And let’s not forget that for some people, these structures just aren’t sufficiently accessible at all, because they do require you to massage them through other tissues, and everyone is built differently.

Once again, I think there’s just a slew of people out there who are trying to get their sexy on, but are not body-aware enough to feel what’s up. And since “finding” these non-visible structures is all about feeling, they end up getting categorized as mysteriously missing. We end up saying, “I can’t find my G-spot”, when really what we mean is, “I can’t work my G-spot” (or “I can’t physically get at it”).

So let’s ditch “find”.

I think “find” has all kinds of baggage.

Let’s say that we’re trying to work it, or engage it, or heck I dunno—you think of something sexy. Just stop trying to act like your partner’s sex organs are buried treasures on an unmarked map. They’re organs.

—-

P.S.: I make some jokes about running off to wikipedia, here, but I’d rather recommend you hit up some hip, sex-positive, forward-thinking sex ed sites, like Scarleteen. Or some seriously thorough academic resources, like the Sex Ed Library. If you’ve got your basics and are just a giant nerd, there’s still something to be said for The Kinsey Institute.