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I. love. smut.

However, I have noticed a few… puzzling… recurrences in my preferred genre. Now, it has been scientifically proven that slash fic releases the same chemicals in the brain as eating chocolate does, and it has also been scientifically proven that chocolate releases the same chemicals in the brain as love/sex, ergo, reading fan fiction is neurologically akin to falling in love. Theoretically, you can live on slash fic without ever needing to leave the house (except to buy chocolate).

Unfortunately, there is also this little part of my brain that I have to turn off while I’m wanking to a good Sherlock/John kinkmeme entry: it’s the part of me that knows, deep down, that I’m masturbating to material written by an 8th grader.

Index

1. The Medically Worrisome Erection
2. The Magically Appearing Lube
3. The Utterly Pointless Condom
4. The Shiny, Scary Anal Sex (aka “Full Sex” or “Real Sex”)
5. The Not-So-Elusive P-Spot
6. The Esoteric Orgasm
7. That Thing He Does With His Tongue 
8. Conclusion 

Click to read!

1. The Medically Worrisome Erection

Most good smut fic will start the party with an erection.

Long, long before the sex.

Sherlock growled at Lestrade in his most sociopathic voice, and John felt his jeans begin to strain.

These fics are full of erections. Really big, really sudden, and really persistent ones. I mean, they spring up like may flowers at the slightest provocation. When John really gets to fantasizing about Sherlock, they spring up dozens of times an hour. (Sherlock blinked? Erection. Sherlock made tea? Erection.) Sometimes they develop so quickly that the relativistic speed of blood-flow should be tearing a hole in spacetime. What’s even more impressive, they stay standing for hours. No matter what.

Sometimes, a sex scene will start steaming up the windows of a taxi, before transitioning into the living room of 221b. Do the erections soften while they’re paying the cabbie, dashing through the winter air, hanging their coats, taking off their shoes, and climbing the 17 steps? Nope. After some good couch-snogging, the sex scene may move upstairs to John’s bedroom. Do their erections as much as wane while they’re getting off the couch, moving naked through the cold, and climbing yet another set of stairs? Not a chance.

I could even believe it, if it weren’t for the fact that they both should have checked into the ER hours ago, as per the instructions on the Viagra bottle.

Granted, these men are in good shape, so I guess it’s not too much of a stretch. But here’s where these fics really lose me. These men always stay rock hard throughout their first penetrative anal sex experience.

Really?

Close your eyes for a moment and think back on your first anal sex experience. (Fan fic writers, you’ll just have to sit this one out.) How much blood-flow were you keeping in your vestibular bulbs/corpus cavernosa while your bum was being penetrated by a penis-sized object for the first time? Especially if—as in most of these fics—you were not receiving clitoral/penile stimulation at the same time? Especially if—again, as in these fics—the person doing this to you started fucking your brains out in fairly short order?

There’s exceptions to every rule, but seriously. Even men who know their bodies well and have been doing this for years commonly can’t keep an erection going and be fucked in the ass at the same time. It’s not because it isn’t hot, not because it isn’t sexy, but because it’s difficult to make your blood contort like that.

2. The Magically Appearing Lube

Eventually, these poor men probably decide that they need to alleviate their six-hours-long erections. Often times, a little buggering is in order.

Cue, the magically appearing lube.

This lube is only an arm’s reach away even in the most awkward of circumstances. Even in fics where John is straight (but gay for Sherlock), even in fics where it’s John and Sherlock’s first time, even in fics where the sex is utterly spontaneous… and let’s face it, nine out of ten fics are all three… EVEN THEN, John/Sherlock will have this little bottle of lube stashed in his underwear drawer. You know.

Just in case.

Because he was fantasizing that this would happen. Or hoping it would. And he purchased this, specifically for the eventuality that his probably straight flat-mate would want to bugger his ass.

Actual lube. Not vaseline or massage oil or some other horrible substitute. Lube. That requires a certain degree of quite frankly creepy forethought, given the circumstances. That requires going to that aisle in the pharmacy, or even going to a proper sex-shop, standing in front of the shelves, and putting the product into your cart. Presumably, next to the milk. Because those few extra pounds—on an army pension, no less—are totally worth the investment if it means that you can be ready the moment Sherlock stops being married to his work.

There’s a clear origin to this: once upon a time, smut fics had no lube.

Then all kinds of awesome things like liberal sex ed, queer culture, and fem-friendly porn burst through the tubes, and now every fangirl wants to make a point by giving her characters lube. Like a decent human being.

In fact, you could say it’s almost taboo to make your characters spit on their hands like cowboys these days.

So much so that, hilariously, authors will sometimes say “Fuck it!” altogether in trying to explain where the hell the lube came from, and will literally write something like,

John heard a bottle cap opening somewhere behind him, and a moment later he felt something slick against his cleft. Sherlock had lube? Oh well, he was too horny to really wonder.

[Insert drawing of Sherlock buying KY Jelly at Tesco here]

Basically, it’s nice to be prepared, but sometimes it’s suspicious to be prepared.

3. The Utterly Pointless Condom

While we’re on the topic of obligatory sex items, can we talk about condoms?

Here’s how the mentality seems to go:

If your characters use a condom, that means you’re a liberal, educated, sex-positive individual. If they don’t, you’re some sort of demonic kink-fiend whose XXXtreme pornography needs to be buried under a sleuth of warning tags. Why do you love AIDs, non-condom-using smut author? Why?

Frankly, I’m cool with that attitude if that’s what it takes to stay condom-conscious. Smut and porn have been working hard to make the condom sexy again. (Like it ever wasn’t. Pshh.)

But here’s where my head falls of:

Sherlock swallowed a metric whale-ton of John’s hot, salty cum. After he’d finished licking the last of it from his lips, he said, “Better go get a condom so you can fuck me.”

WHY?

ARE YOU AFRAID OF GETTING PREGNANT?

YOU JUST SWA-

*Throws up arms* I give up on this one. *Walks away*

4. The Shiny, Scary Anal Sex (aka “Full Sex” or “Real Sex”)

The other stuff is kind of funny. This is the only one that hurts my feelings a little.

There’s two parts to this: one, the hilariously surreal physics of anal sex that pop up in so many fics. Two, the attitude toward anal sex as “real sex”, whereas oral and manual sex are seen as- what exactly? Not sex?

Let’s look at the funny stuff first.

First of all, almost every smut fic with buttfucking written after 2004 has caught onto the same wave of sexucated writing as the Magic Lube and the Obligatory But Pointless Condom. That is, the authors “prepare” their characters with a finger or two before putting a penis in them. Authors have become very polite to the invisible manwhores that live inside their heads.

Thing is, I get this eerie feeling that I’m reading the exact same sex scene over and over again. Wait, let me see if I can’t replicate it…

John slips a single finger into Sherlock’s bum.

Sherlock is like, woah.

John says, “Relax.”

Sherlock does. Then it’s nice.

John slips a second finger in. Sherlock immediately experiences an increase in pleasure.

Sherlock begs.

John replaces fingers with penis.

Everyone has happy buttsex time.

Everytime I read that, I’m like, “Well that was fast.”

Then after the tenth or twentieth time of reading that exact thing, I started wondering, “Why doesn’t anyone describe any of the myriads of other sensations or issues or approaches?”

Because: they’re all copying each other. Either that, or they’re copying some floating, universally accepted idea of How Anal Sex Goes. Seems John and Sherlock get lucky every time. Five to ten minutes of gentle fingering and John/Sherlock is ready for their first cock, every time. Whether they’re in a glam rock band, soldiers in the desert, students at an Australian boarding school, or just chilling at 221b, John and Sherlock in any AU have amazingly adaptive anuses.

Not only that, but surprisingly tidy ones as well. I mean, I personally wouldn’t dive in without gloves, and I suppose the authors’ omission of slight icks like fecal flecks, odor, and FINGERNAIL ABRASIONS don’t mean that those things don’t happen, but the characters are suspiciously cavalier about it. Especially in those not-infrequent cases when they were afraid to take their clothes off to begin with. But hey, what the heck, John, stick your fingers in there—smut’s supposed to be pretty anyway, right?

That said, you can give anal sex a break. While it is pretty intense, it’s also portrayed as being almost comically scary and/or painful. There is great romance written into the pain of it all, and even a seasoned soldier like John will shake like a leaf when Sherlock’s luby fingers are hovering near. But the truth is that if you’re approaching it with even a smidgen of sanity (and a dab of Magically Appearing Lube), stubbing your toe hurts about a thousand times worse. It’s mostly just uncomfortable and a little logistically challenging.

Now.

Here’s the thing that actually offends me a little. Or hurts my heart, I dunno.

John was happy about the constant oral sex and all those sneaky hand-jobs, but he was a little sad because he and Sherlock hadn’t had REAL sex yet.

Every. Fucking. Fic.

I know. These fics are generally written by well-meaning straight people. Straight people who have also internalized a pretty heteronormative perspective about all sex, theirs and other people’s. I mean, fuck it, let’s not use words like “heteronormative”: let’s just rip the fairy tale out of the dark and force it under flourescent lights.

There is a popular fairy tale about sex that The Ultimate Sex happens only when one person penetrates the other with a sex organ, the receiving party is sexually stimulated by the act, and the potential for simultaneous orgasm exists.

That’s it. If you are straight, you have been told from the time you were 2 that this is Sex. Heck, if you’re gay, you’ve probably been told the same, which has lead to many a confused lesbian, let me tell you.

The key is that you have been lead to believe that INTIMACY takes its ultimate form in this act, and this act only.

Thing is, that’s a downright lie.

Sucking someone’s cock can be as intimate as touching their soul, and buggering someone’s ass can be as intimate as checking their Facebook status.

There is no magically inherent quality in any sex act that makes it more intimate than any other sex act. Those distinctions are in your head, whether from cultural programming or from inherent personal preference. And I’d be willing to bet that 90% of the time, when a straight person is writing gay slash fic, they’re thinking, “The most intimate thing I can imagine doing with my partner is intercourse, therefore the same must be true for gay men.”

The best way I can possibly offer a reality check is to ask one of these two questions:

Would anal sex be The Ultimate Intimate Sex for YOU? Nevermind that you have a vagina. You have an anus too. Would it?

or

What’s the Ultimate Intimate Sex for lesbians? Are they not capable of experiencing the same level of sexual intimacy as relationships with penises?

Once you start trying to answer these questions honestly, you quickly realize how silly the Anal Sex as “Real” Sex mentality is.

Anal sex is a pretty extreme experience, either way you slice it, and it’s not for everybody. Just like not all women like anal sex, not all gay men do either. “But then how can they have SEX sex?” Trust me, they have SEX sex just fine. When you’re writing “REAL sex” or “FULL sex” in your fics, what you MEAN is, “Straight sex.”

John was sad because they hadn’t had straight sex yet.

That’s all I can hear.

Now, maybe John really wants to get buggered. In that case, the line would be:

John was happy about the constant oral sex and all those sneaky hand-jobs, but deep down he also longed to feel Sherlock’s cock in his arse.

There you go. None of this nonsense about how they haven’t had REAL sex yet, about how they aren’t TRULY intimate yet, because they ARE.

Oral sex is sex.

Manual sex is sex.

Mutual masturbation is sex.

Using toys on your partner is sex.

Frottage is sex.

Anal sex is sex.

All have equal potential for intimacy. Especially when you’re gay, for a barrel of reasons that should be obvious when you really think about it.

Not all are equally liked by everybody. Especially anal sex, which is a pretty intense/extreme act, whether you’re a straight couple or a gay one.

/anal sex rant.

5. The Not-So-Elusive P-Spot

While we’re talking about butt-love—how about that prostate, hu?

It’s like having a freaking clitoris in your ass. Man. Wow.

Except, you know, it’s like ten times easier to find, even though it’s internal.

And I say “find”, because it’s just like a button. Just find and press! Instant pleasure!

I can’t even keep a straight face on this one. Can we all laugh together? A nice, long, self-deprecating laugh?

Let’s break this into two parts. Part I: Nothing in sex is ever about “finding a button.” Yes, we all have those yummy spots that make us see stars when they’re stimulated, but it’s not really about the spots so much as it is about how they’re approached, now isn’t it?

Here’s an example. Imagine Sherlock strolling up behind you, unexpectedly shoving his hand in your crotch, and rubbing his dry fingers all over your sleepy, crinkly, haven’t-had-my-coffee-yet clitoris. Hrm.

Now imagine him strolling up and gently placing his palms on your shoulders. Imagine him resting his hands there until they grow achy warm and start to sink into your skin. Imagine him breathing softly into your ear as he grasps your tense shoulder muscles in a hurts-so-good grip and kneads them, hard and slow and sensual. Mm.

Which would you prefer?

Magazines like Seventeen, not to mention the tellie, and well all those other evil media things I keep talking about- they all want us to believe that there is some magical button we can touch to make sex amazing. The truth is, there are no buttons: there is only the inexact, internal experience we create for ourselves, and if we want our bodies to respond, we have to make our bodies work for us, and not the other way around.

Part II: But I mean yeah, if you’re all turned on and ready for some prostate love, get ready to spend some devoted time with your partner so that you can- OH! Nevermind! There it is!

First of all, this is a gland, not a button, and it’s not going to feel good just because you poke it. What you’re actually doing when you’re stimulating the prostate is massaging it through the wall of the anal canal. In fact, you can even massage it through the taint, depending on the person. Massaging a delicate gland through someone’s even more delicate internal tissue is far from an exact science: you have to really listen to your partner and ease into it carefully the first time.

Yet in every single fic that addresses it, I see this:

John stuck his finger in. Then, he thought back to that magazine he’d read, and angled his finger up. Sherlock suddenly exploded in pleasure. Yes! Found it!

I mean, it can happen like that, just like you can happily take a cock on your first anal outing, and retain a full erection throughout, and spontaneously orgasm from it all. It’s possible.

But this is an extreme case-scenario that happens in thousands of AUs, over and over and over again. It’s starting to get a bit suspicious.

6. The Esoteric Orgasm

Speaking of orgasms-

I’m just going to go ahead and say, “Caught ya!” on this one.

Then Sherlock came hot and wet onto John’s hand.

Then John felt him pulsing as he came inside.

Then Sherlock felt John’s body go rigid and shudder.

Then John came all over their stomachs, chests, and hands.

Then Sherlock uttered, “John,” and a moment later, he was undone.

Did I miss any?

Quit copying each others orgasms, guys.

7. That Thing He Does With His Tongue

Speaking of things that pass from fic-to-fic.

In eight out of ten smut fics, I guarantee you there will be some reference to some magical something that a character can do with his tongue. (Sometimes, his fingers.) This Magical Thing is never explicitly explained, and I think that is probably due to the fact that the author has no Magical Thing in mind. She read about it in another fic, and I would be willing to bet her thought-process went something like this:

“Let’s see. You can put the penis in the mouth, in the butt, or in the hand. I’d better drag out the use of those three receptacles as much as I can, or this fic’ll get boring pretty fast. Man, sex is kinda limited. Wait, what’s this? There is some mysterious thing you can do with your tongue? WOAH. That is the NEXT LEVEL, bro. FAR OUT. DOUBLE RAINBOW.”

So she slyly references That Thing With the Tongue that drives Sherlock cr-azy every time. Presumably because it’s more creative somehow than simply inserting the penis into the mouth.

What is that thing with the tongue? Is he stretching back the foreskin with it? Massaging the glans in a hopefully-not-too-irritating way? Tracing the corona? Teasing his sac while he’s deep-throating? Flicking it feather-light? What? WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

8. Conclusion

I think stuff like this is the result of young?inexperienced?impatient? people trying to quantify sex instead of viewing it as the fluid, messy, uncooperative, wonderfully human thing it is. And it’s that darn evil media’s fault: the magazine racks, the internet, the television- heck, sometimes friends, family, or SOs… they’re all circulating the same old lies. That sex is something mechanical that can be achieved by pushing the correct buttons; that the emotional impacts of various sex acts are universal and predictable; that gay sex is just an attempt to mirror straight sex; heck, that “straight sex” is even the way straight people fuck. (I mean, c’mon. The Doctor and River? Don’t tell me she didn’t wear the latex gloves in that relationship.)

That said, for being written by 8th graders, virgins, contagiously heteronormative people, and/or space aliens, all that slash fic out there is pretty damn amazing. There’s a few funny give-aways that the authors are not, in fact, gay men and/or sex-fiends, but who cares. I have a funny feeling that we wouldn’t read that type of fic anyway. In a really creepy way, this is a community of women making love to one another’s minds, using the medium of fictional male characters. And I love it.

Keep it up.

<3